First Nights in the South

I am currently in South Sudan. Was in Juba, the capital, for a few days and now I am doing a bit of travelling outside the city. In many ways it is very different from my previous home in N. Africa, but not different enough for it to feel completely foreign. And, I have noticed, after living in an African city on your own for a few years, navigating a new one is much less intimidating.

For instance, my accommodation while I was in Juba was something that, 2.5 years ago, would have petrified me. I mentioned this to one of my leaders that I'm travelling with and she replied "Two years ago I wouldn't have left you there!"

See, there is a project working with street girls that said they could have accommodation for me while I visited. They didn't have anything available at the center the first 3 days I was there (they will starting late next week when I stay for longer). But they are working on a guesthouse. It is not finished yet, but there are rooms there with beds. The electricity was super unreliable (this is apparently true for all of Juba) and there was no running water at all. No biggie.

I couldn't bolt the outside gate that goes to the street or the front door because the lady had vaguely mentioned that someone else may have been flying in that evening. (She didn't).

So, the coulda'-shoulda'-woulda' been petrifying part was the fact that there was nooo oneeee else staying there at all. Not a soul! So I spent my first night (and second and third...) in a brand new city in an unfinished guest house all by myself. There are bars on the windows, and my door locked, which gave me enough peace of mind to sleep without being (that) concerned for my safety.

'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, am I right?

My days here so far have been very full and very social, which is good in some ways, but also draining. But it looks like there could be the quite good possibility of a place that just happens to need someone with my particular skill set for at least some length of tome. So I am encouraged by that potential. Still lots to figure out. So we shall see!

Here

Hello, hello. Back in Africa!

I am safe and sound in South Sudan now, though the place I am staying for the next few days would have petrefied me 2 years ago. But that is a story for another time! I will be doing a good deal of travelling in the next couple of weeks. Internet and electricity are a bit wishy-washy so I will try to bring more thorough updates as I can. My schedule is also staying incredibly full as I try to fit in as much as I can while I try to find a place "to land" here.

Thank you for your prayer and support! Will update more as I can!

No turning back, no turning back.

There have been tears as I pack to go back to Africa but not to the boys I love. I got a message from one of the boys this week saying that he and the other boys love and miss me “until, until forever.” Oh my heart.

I am heading back in 2 weeks. Back to Africa. But not back to my desert home. It is strange packing and preparing to go “back” when really I am going somewhere brand new. It is strange preparing to return to Africa, but not to the Africa I know and not to the Africans that I love. And still not knowing if I will ever be able to see their faces again on this earth. But there is still work to be done. And while I am probably contemplating on this too much and some could argue being a little over-emotional about the whole thing, I am thankful I get to go back to Africa at all. Two years was not enough and I am thrilled that I still am able to be in Africa. It is a gift.

As I prepare to leave again I realized that I am feeling some of the same things now that I was feeling 2.5 years ago before I left for Africa the first time. I’m looking into the future of being somewhere new and feeling skill-less and worthless to any group that might just be nice enough to allow me to join them. I have these moments of self-doubt where I’m like “What am I doing?! Who do I think I am?! No one over there needs me! I’m just going to be more of a burden than a blessing! I’m awkward and selfish and require too much time to myself! I am weak and unskilled. Fragile and frail. Stubborn and grumpy and emotional. Oh, Lord, could you use even me?"

The coming weeks and months are going to be difficult, as all new seasons are. It is tiring to find people to connect with in and trying to fit into the fabric of new places. I am dreading the aloneness that inevitably accompanies leaving people that you love. I’m intimidated all over again. I think what I am afraid of is failing. If I had any “success” at all in my desert home it feels like it was a fluke. Like if anything I did amounted to anything at all then I just got lucky. What if my luck runs out this time around? I’m scared of being somewhere new and them being like, “What is this girl doing here? Does she know anything at all?” I’m scared of flopping, of doing nothing that matters, of being a waste of time and resources. And sometimes I get scared that I’m getting it all wrong! That I’m not following God the right way when I think I am. The Bible talks about those people—the ones who cry “Lord, Lord” but don’t actually commune with God. 

I have these ping-ponging worries and doubts about myself in my head and yet I am entirely confident of the Lord’s hand in where I go next and his provision in what lies ahead. I am a mix of contradictions and emotions. I feel encouraged and discouraged. Confident and doubtful. Nervous and at peace. There are more of God’s children I know need love, but I want to stay here with people I love too. I want to help love and take care of kids that need it, but I don’t want to fall in love and then say good-bye and have my heart broken all over again. I don’t want to enter people’s lives just to leave them again.

It would be easier perhaps if in this life we knew that the tearings of our hearts meant something. That in certain hard actions we knew for sure that Gods kingdom would grow as a result. That in the sacrifices and sufferings that we are helping usher in his Kingdom. God promised to glorify himself in us if we submit ourselves to him. He even promises to work in our weaknesses—that in those places he will shine all the greater! Well, Lord, lots of places for that in me!

So while I love my family and friends here dearly and don’t want to be separated from them; I know that I will see them again in Glory. I know that we will spend an eternity together worshipping and praising God. And there is a world of people out there who don’t know the Good News. Who won’t be able to share in the glory unless they hear it. So I have to go. I don’t know how many good-byes the heart can take and I feel some days as though I am nearing my limit. But I trust in who God says He is. And I’m moving forward because I feel I must. I never want to shrink back from hard things. God has been enough for me so far and I know he will continue to be in new places with new people.

No turning back, no turning back.

“Success isn’t what you’ve done compared to others. Success is what you’ve done compared to what you were made to do.” Lecrae

“My dear children, let’s not just talk about love, let’s practice real love. This is the only way we’ll know we’re living truly, living in Gods reality. It’s also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even where there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows us better than we do ourselves.” 1 John 3:18-20 Msg

“It is difficult to follow Jesus in a calling that others are better qualified to accomplish or that requires me to sacrifice something that Jesus doesn’t seem to be requiring my friends to sacrifice…These are painful deaths to die. But they enrich the soil in which good things grow.” Scott Bessenecker

“Each one of these people of faith died not yet having in hand what was promised, but still believing. How did they do it? they saw it way off in the distance, waved their greeting, and accepted the fact that they were transients in this world. People who live this way make it plain that they are looking for their true home. If they were homesick for the old country, they could have gone back anytime they wanted. But they were after a far better country than that—heaven country.” Hebrews 11:13-16a Msg

Thoughts on Things

It's no secret the gross consumerism that exists in America. In my last post I talked about reverse culture shock. Trying to line up my life in the US with it's abundance of stuff and opportunities and the utter lack of those things in my life in Africa is hard. It's hard to find some sort of internal agreement between those two extremes. There is a constant internal friction between enjoying the good gifts from the Lord and also being aware of those in the world that go without.

In general I've struggled with buying things since I've been back. I've settled into a house and needed to buy things for it. Most of that has been done at Goodwill. But one day at Marshall's I found a rug (an, apparently, notoriously not-cheap item) on clearance. And for it a rug it was darn cheap. I decided to buy it, telling myself I could always return it. For 3.5 weeks I left it in the back of the car, hemming and hawing over whether or not I should keep it. Am I being wasteful? A bad steward of money? Sometimes I literally feel sick over spending money. So I'm like, is justified because I'm catching up after not really buying stuff while I lived in Africa? Am I being wise with money? It's ok to enjoy it a little bit...but when does it become excessive? Where is that line? Am I being in love with the world?

I don't want my life to consist of the abundance of my possessions (Luke 12:15) I want my worth to be in Christ and relationships with others. I don't think that possessions are inherently evil...but they can be. I can give them power over me.

I feel like what I spend my money on is a reflection of who I am. What does my spending say about me? Do I like what it says? I want my money, firstly, to help the people God has commanded me to help. I want to use it to feed hungry people and clothe orphans and help people who are struggling. I want to support local farmers. People who are responsible and respectful of the environment. Same for clothes and other things. I want my money to support products and companies that pay fair wages, don't employ children, care about the environment and don't just care about the bottom line. There aren't many of these companies, at least not many that are affordable on my budget, which is why I buy most of my stuff second-hand. It keeps things out of landfills and usually the profits give back to the community. I can get on board with that.

But I still own more than I need. The things I own are still in excess. I love the idea of minimalism...but a minimalist I am not. I still have my choice of several different foods for breakfast in the morning off of any number of plates to sit and eat on comfortable furniture in a temperate house, while reading any of the hundreds of books at my disposal. I'll spend too long getting dressed because I have so many choices of what to wear. Which accessories? Which of my many pairs of shoes look best? And even though I probably own less stuff than the average American 26 year old I absolutely have abundantly more than I need. I am thankful for my rich blessings...and I am also guilty.

I look at the boys I worked with in North Africa. How is it possible I can enjoy so many things that they can't? How is it possible that I can enjoy so much beauty and goodness here and enjoy it so freely when people I love on the other side of the world are suffering? How is it possible that I can enjoy these things and they can't? Why do I get the blessed gift of being born in a family that loves me in a free country bursting at the seams with opportunity? How can there be such a vast difference in your life just because of where you were born and the circumstances you were born under? Why are some people born in times of war and others in times of peace? I have a responsibility to use what I have been given to make other peoples lives better. And while I get distracted by the glitter and false promises this world has to offer sometimes, I hope that as I get older I can continue to learn what it means to keep myself "unstained from the world." (James 1:27)

"People who are free are also free to look away and their willingness to do so never fails to astound me." Malika Oufkir

Reverse Culture Shock

I didn't even know that was a thing until I lived overseas. Reverse culture shock is basically when you've been living in a second culture for awhile, and then return to your home culture and deal with the shock of everything in your home culture feeling foreign.

It's a funny thing. I mean, I was a mess when I returned home to the States. I had a broken heart from being kicked out of my home and saying way, way too many good-byes. I was still dealing with the trauma of that intense experience. Also it was winter. Which was like adding insult to injury. Dealing with reverse culture shock on top of everything else was an experience I found (and continue find to be) amusing and frustrating.

Some things were a delight. Infrastructure! People following traffic laws! Chocolate chips whenever I want! It was amazing how easy and simple it could be just to go to one store and get all the things you needed. And then not having to schlep all the stuff you bought on a bus! Glory be!

But there were certain things were just way too much for me to handle. I don't think I went into a grocery store alone for my first two months back. I would tag along with my sister in her weekly run and really I needed her moral support for the whole endeavor. I felt overwhelmed. So much food! So many choices! I couldn't even find where stuff was anymore. I'd just stand looking at herbal teas in a daze because I didn't even know where to begin. I would put random stuff in my basket and my sis would be like "What? You don't even eat those." And I'd be like "Oh, yeah." and put them back.

I still can't find stuff in big stores and I'm getting better about not being in a daze in supermarkets, but I'm still overwhelmed by just the absolute volume of things that are available to buy. I still struggle with making choices about mundane things. There are so many options for every little thing. My family and friends have been supremely patient with me as I can't decide on restaurants or movies or snack foods, or even times to meet and get together, and make them decide.

After living in an Arab country for 2 years, I'm still finding it hard to adjust back to interacting with males in a normal, American way. I was having dinner a couple of weeks ago with the parents of a very good friend of mine. They're folks I've known for several years who are really sweet and whom I respect a great deal. We were chatting away and had a nice conversation. But I realized later that I was looking almost exclusively at her mom and rarely would look over or make eye contact with her dad.

In my North African home I had to learn to be a jerk to men on the street and rude sometimes to male acquaintances. If I was friendly in the normal American sense, I would have been perceived as a hussy. I would have been asking for it. I had to become suspicious and weary of any man I didn't know approaching me or saying anything to me. So now I'm trying to relearn how to be friendly and not cold to guys I don't know. Here it's ok if a guy I don't know starts talking to me. I need to remember that!

Also, I am a much braver pedestrian than I ever was before. In Africa if you want to cross the street sometimes you just have to go for it, or you'll never make it across. Sometimes you've go to cross one lane at a time and stand in the middle of the road until you can cross the next lane. It's not uncommon for people to see you waiting and slow down and wave you across. And it's also usually perfectly fine for you to cross and assume the driver will slow down if you look up or wave your hand or acknowledge him somehow. No problem. I've noticed since being back in the States I'll cross the street and be like "I've got time" then realize I was pushing it a little.

I still hide my computer sometimes when I leave the house. I still start to ration out chocolate or other foods that I can't get overseas. I freeze bread and other baked goods as soon as they cool. (In my desert home they would go stale almost immediately). I am still surprised when things don't thaw out completely just by sitting them on the counter for a little while. It feels weird wearing any shoes other than sandals. And not always having a scarf on. And baring my legs at all still feels slightly risqué. Going out for a run whenever I want still feels liberating. So does living alone and going barefoot not always sticking out in a crowd. It's nice to feel anonymous again.

I think it's been good and important for me to have this time at home and to not only reconnect with people, but also reconnect with parts of myself that I had to die to while living over-seas. Certain freedoms and things that bring me life and joy. It's nice to know those parts of me still exist even if I have to cover them up for a season.

Getting Back on the Horse

Last week the door for me to return to my desert home was decidedly closed for the time being. So while I remain hopeful that someday that door will reopen, I am gearing up to continue working with kids in Africa. There is still work to be done.

I’ve met with and talked with a lot of people these last few months about my first 2 years overseas. Even from professionals and people who have been in this line of work for a really long time have all said that I had a really tough time of things. More set-backs than most people experience. They say it is a powerful sense of call that is the biggest factor in workers being able to remain resilient in the face of difficulties and traumas working overseas. I didn’t choose to minister and work overseas because I thought it would be fun and exciting (though it is!) but because I have to help the hurts I have seen.

Recently I go the opportunity to see a number of my friends from my home in the sand. It was somehow very encouraging to catch up with those friends. To know I am not alone in struggling in dealing with what we’ve been through and re-adjusting to the States and the difficulty in making decisions. Laughing with people going through the same kind of crazy I am was refreshing. A few of us were talking and sharing how we were still feeling broken in our losses and the darkness going on in the home we all left un-willingly. And that this life is hard on the heart. But a friend of mine smiled and said, “But we wouldn’t want it any other way.” We all smiled, nodded, and agreed. It is hard and exciting and confusing and exhilarating living in faith like this. And I wouldn’t want it any other way.

There are many praise songs that have been speaking to my heart lately. The words of Chris Tomlin in “Follow You” have been rolling around in my head the last few days as I prepare to start over somewhere new:

“Where you go, I’ll go

Where you stay, I’ll stay

When you move, I’ll move

I will follow you”

In that same song he also sings,
“If this life I lose, I will follow you”

Of course going to live in more dangerous places has made me ponder my life. And if I will lose this very life, I will still follow to those places. But when I sing those words is it’s also an offering of ways of life, too.

If this comfortable life,

If this safe life,
If this easy life,
If this life with community and support and loved ones,
If this self-pleasing life,
If this chocolate-eating, book-buying, savings-building, art-making, cute clothes-wearing life I lose…

I’ll follow you.

I still have a lot of dreams. There are a lot of things I’d still like to do and experience. If I have to sacrifice those dreams, I’ll follow him. Because I believe he will fulfill me. I believe in his promises. And I believe that loving kids and helping the poor and reaching the unreached are more important that my desires, dreams, ideals, and ambitions.

Was reading an old book recently called “Daddy Long Legs” by Jean Webster. There was one part that made me smile a little, “Although my feelings are still hurt, for it is very humiliating to be picked up and moved about my an arbitrary, peremptory, unreasonable, invisible Providence, still, when a man has been as kind and generous and thoughtful as you have heretofore been towards me, I suppose he has a right to be an arbitrary, peremptory, unreasonable, invisible, Providence if he so chooses, and so—I’ll forgive you and be cheerful again.”

It just made me smile because aside from being “very humiliating” and the notion of forgiving the invisible Providence, it reminds me a little of some of my recent chats with God, often something along the lines of “Um, so it kind of sucks that I fell in love with all those people in N. Africa and was forced to leave and probably can’t go back and I don’t really understand. So even though my heart is still sad about leaving I love and trust you and know whatever you have planned for me is good.”

Encouraged in my heart that still want to be in Africa. That following Christ does not mean avoiding danger. Not looking out for my safety and security first--even in the sense of emotional safety and security. Because I would absolutely choose to stay near my loved ones if I counted that the highest priority in my life. So as I prepare to go out again I trust these things to the Lord’s hands, knowing he’ll supply my needs.

Continuing to lift up those I love who remain in my desert home. I don't get a whole lot of reports on what is going on there. But I've heard enough to know that things are getting worse and life is difficult. I am scared for the people there and comforted to know that God cares for those his children more than I do.

Stateside

I have been stateside for a good little while now. I've been keeping myself busy working on a online course to get certified to teach English (will likely be useful in getting a visa), travelling, connecting with churches and supporters, some training, doctors appointments and check-ups, and some administrative work for the centers. Also, my Gramms passed away about a week after I got back. I'm under strict orders from my leadership to take time to rest as I am coming off of an "unusually difficult" first term that ended somewhat traumatically. I am also getting a bit of counselling, as per their direction, just to make sure I've properly walked through and dealt with the traumas of my first term and am good to go for a return to Africa in June.

Speaking of a return, still working out plans for all of that. It's impossible to make any concrete plans at this point. Things are still worsening in the country where I was and are ever-changing. I am planning/hoping/praying for a return to there. That is, however, somewhat unlikely, but I'm going to try! There is work there yet to do...And there is a big part of my heart I left there in the form of 40ish sweet, ornery boys. If not there, somewhere else in the Arabic-speaking world. Talking with my leadership now about other opportunities and back-up type plans.

It's hard being back, if I'm being perfectly honest. It's good to see everyone and to have chocolate available anytime I so desire, but it's difficult not knowing what's going on with those that I left behind. I get reports from time to time, bad news mostly, and it's difficult trying to adjust to life back here and being innundated with things to buy and do, while I know I have brothers and sisters overseas who are being persecuted. So while I eagerly await my return to Africa, I am trying to savor my time here, as I know that I need rest and healing mentally, physically, and spiritually after the past 2 years, and esspecially in order to be able to go back for more! :)

So thanks for walking with me during this time, and thank's especially for your prayers. If I haven't connected with you yet I look forward to doing it soon!