Last week the door for me to return to my desert home was decidedly closed for the time being. So while I remain hopeful that someday that door will reopen, I am gearing up to continue working with kids in Africa. There is still work to be done.
I’ve met with and talked with a lot of people these last few months about my first 2 years overseas. Even from professionals and people who have been in this line of work for a really long time have all said that I had a really tough time of things. More set-backs than most people experience. They say it is a powerful sense of call that is the biggest factor in workers being able to remain resilient in the face of difficulties and traumas working overseas. I didn’t choose to minister and work overseas because I thought it would be fun and exciting (though it is!) but because I have to help the hurts I have seen.
Recently I go the opportunity to see a number of my friends from my home in the sand. It was somehow very encouraging to catch up with those friends. To know I am not alone in struggling in dealing with what we’ve been through and re-adjusting to the States and the difficulty in making decisions. Laughing with people going through the same kind of crazy I am was refreshing. A few of us were talking and sharing how we were still feeling broken in our losses and the darkness going on in the home we all left un-willingly. And that this life is hard on the heart. But a friend of mine smiled and said, “But we wouldn’t want it any other way.” We all smiled, nodded, and agreed. It is hard and exciting and confusing and exhilarating living in faith like this. And I wouldn’t want it any other way.
In that same song he also sings,
“If this life I lose, I will follow you”
If this easy life,
If this life with community and support and loved ones,
If this self-pleasing life,
If this chocolate-eating, book-buying, savings-building, art-making, cute clothes-wearing life I lose…
Was reading an old book recently called “Daddy Long Legs” by Jean Webster. There was one part that made me smile a little, “Although my feelings are still hurt, for it is very humiliating to be picked up and moved about my an arbitrary, peremptory, unreasonable, invisible Providence, still, when a man has been as kind and generous and thoughtful as you have heretofore been towards me, I suppose he has a right to be an arbitrary, peremptory, unreasonable, invisible, Providence if he so chooses, and so—I’ll forgive you and be cheerful again.”
I’ve met with and talked with a lot of people these last few months about my first 2 years overseas. Even from professionals and people who have been in this line of work for a really long time have all said that I had a really tough time of things. More set-backs than most people experience. They say it is a powerful sense of call that is the biggest factor in workers being able to remain resilient in the face of difficulties and traumas working overseas. I didn’t choose to minister and work overseas because I thought it would be fun and exciting (though it is!) but because I have to help the hurts I have seen.
Recently I go the opportunity to see a number of my friends from my home in the sand. It was somehow very encouraging to catch up with those friends. To know I am not alone in struggling in dealing with what we’ve been through and re-adjusting to the States and the difficulty in making decisions. Laughing with people going through the same kind of crazy I am was refreshing. A few of us were talking and sharing how we were still feeling broken in our losses and the darkness going on in the home we all left un-willingly. And that this life is hard on the heart. But a friend of mine smiled and said, “But we wouldn’t want it any other way.” We all smiled, nodded, and agreed. It is hard and exciting and confusing and exhilarating living in faith like this. And I wouldn’t want it any other way.
There are many praise songs that have been
speaking to my heart lately. The words of Chris Tomlin in “Follow You” have
been rolling around in my head the last few days as I prepare to start over
somewhere new:
“Where you go, I’ll go
Where you stay, I’ll stay
When you move, I’ll move
I will follow you”In that same song he also sings,
“If this life I lose, I will follow you”
Of course going to live in more dangerous
places has made me ponder my life. And if I will lose this very life, I will
still follow to those places. But when I sing those words is it’s also an
offering of ways of life, too.
If this comfortable life,
If this safe life, If this easy life,
If this life with community and support and loved ones,
If this self-pleasing life,
If this chocolate-eating, book-buying, savings-building, art-making, cute clothes-wearing life I lose…
I’ll follow you.
I still have a lot of dreams. There are a
lot of things I’d still like to do and experience. If I have to sacrifice those
dreams, I’ll follow him. Because I believe he will fulfill me. I believe in his
promises. And I believe that loving kids and helping the poor and reaching the
unreached are more important that my desires, dreams, ideals, and ambitions.
Was reading an old book recently called “Daddy Long Legs” by Jean Webster. There was one part that made me smile a little, “Although my feelings are still hurt, for it is very humiliating to be picked up and moved about my an arbitrary, peremptory, unreasonable, invisible Providence, still, when a man has been as kind and generous and thoughtful as you have heretofore been towards me, I suppose he has a right to be an arbitrary, peremptory, unreasonable, invisible, Providence if he so chooses, and so—I’ll forgive you and be cheerful again.”
It just made me smile because aside from
being “very humiliating” and the notion of forgiving the invisible Providence,
it reminds me a little of some of my recent chats with God, often something along the lines of “Um, so it kind
of sucks that I fell in love with all those people in N. Africa and was forced
to leave and probably can’t go back and I don’t really understand. So even
though my heart is still sad about leaving I love and trust you and know whatever
you have planned for me is good.”
Encouraged in my heart that still want to be in Africa. That following Christ does not mean avoiding danger. Not looking out for my safety and security first--even in the sense of emotional safety and security. Because I would absolutely choose to stay near my loved ones if I counted that the highest priority in my life. So as I prepare to go out again I trust these things to the Lord’s hands, knowing he’ll supply my needs.
Continuing to lift up those I love who remain in my desert home. I don't get a whole lot of reports on what is going on there. But I've heard enough to know that things are getting worse and life is difficult. I am scared for the people there and comforted to know that God cares for those his children more than I do.
No comments:
Post a Comment