An Abrupt End

It has been a long, bizarre, stressful, unsettling 10 days. I don't know where to begin or what to say, but to suffice for now...I am being forced to leave my home here. I'm not sure which day exactly, but soon. So I am packing up, saying goodbyes. Laughing and crying and praying with my friends and others in the same situation.

So I anticipate things will be rather quiet around here for the next while. I will be heading to Kenya when I leave here to decompress and heal a bit before heading home.

Please pray for me and others in this situation, and for those who remain. No matter what we see, God is on the move. I hope to return, but I know that may not be possible. I am deeply saddened. My heart is breaking. There is so much to process. But He is good. He is so good. I don't want to leave, but I trust Him.

Not Fearing...for real.

The timing of my last post about fear is almost comical. Lets just say that starting Tuesday morning I have had to utilize all I have been learning about fear recently, and then some. I'm finding rest in God's truth in the face of some unexpected giants this week. Feeling pressed, but not crushed. Please, please pray.

Good Courage

The Bible talks a lot about fear. It tells us over and over to fear God and nothing else. To be of good courage. Never to fear man. This theme has been coming up over and over these last few weeks in my life. It feels like time to talk about it.

A few months ago for some reason every single time I left the house I got nervous. Is everything unplugged? Is the lock on securely? Is the gas for the stove off? Did I close the balcony door,  the windows? I would walk down the street to get the bus with this almost sinking feeling just praying for God's protection over our house. I even started hiding my computer some days in case anyone managed to break in. It was ridiculous. There is, comparatively, little crime here and neighbors are always out on the street watching what goes on. I talked to my housemate after it had been going on for a little while. She was doing the same things. Experiencing the same fears. They were sudden and out of nowhere.

Around this time in something I was reading it talked about fear being a sin. That's right. Worrying isn't a bad habit, it's a sin. Fear is the opposite of faith. It is the opposite of trust. Two things that are absolute bare bones essentials in a life following Christ. There is not a whole lot we can actually control in this life. But I can choose not to fear. I can control that.

Around that same time I started have issues with creepy men again, specifically on the bus. When it was an issue earlier in the year I started tensing up immediately when a man would sit next to me or when I walked by a group of young guys on the street. I would repeat over and over in my head "Don't touch me. Don't touch me. Leave me alone. Leave me alone." The stress of it would almost make me tear up sometimes. So when it started happening with frequency again I was like, "No, you know what? Beth Ann the power in you is greater than the darkness in the world. Hold your ground. Do not fear." I started speaking up. I reacted. Maybe I don't always do it in the right way and I'm probably still awkward sometimes, but dang it I'm not scared anymore. And I think that has to be honoring to God--heeding his commands. Trusting in the power he promised is within us.

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if I'll get a return visa for next year. I don't know if I'll be robbed our our house will go up in flames again. I don't know if I'll ever do anything that matters. I don't know if I'll ever get married and have kids. Maybe the boys' at the centers will hate all my ideas and think they're stupid. Maybe the centers will be shut down. Maybe more of my friends will be imprisoned or kicked out of the country. Maybe the protests from this week will continue. Maybe they will spread, maybe not. Maybe the government will change. I'll probably be treated inappropriately by men at some point in the week...maybe even every day. Maybe I'll never see loved ones again! Tomorrow is not promised to us. But whatever may come or doesn't I will not fear. I will not fear, I will not fear. I will speak the truth, even if my voice shakes. I will praise, even if it means sacrifice. I will trust. Even in disappointment and dismay.

In Ephesians 6 it talks about putting on the whole armor of God. The helmet of salvation, sword of the spirit, all that. Someone recently pointed out to me that the armor leaves one place unprotected--your back. In old tribal warfare if someone got shot in the back with an arrow it meant they were a coward, because the only way to get shot in the back is to turn tail and run away. Lesson: Don't run back! Take courage! You're well protected!

I don't think that you need to feel scared in order to respond to fear. I think a lot of fears are much more subtle than that. Sometimes it can come as a facade of wisdom. Making decisions based on wisdom and the good sense God gave us is one thing. Making decisions based on fear is a whole other ball game. Once I started thinking about this I started to see the subtle fears in my life. And once you start hearing them, how do you silence them?

Prayer. Prayer silences the voices from the world in our head. The fears, worries, gimmies, naggings, to-do's. Like the old hymn says, when we turn our eyes on Jesus the things of earth become strangely dim. Sometimes when I get really frustrated I stop, talk to God, even just to tell him I'm aggravated (as if he didn't know), and it starts to silence that too. It is a great gift to have access to our Maker all the time. He is never out of reach. Never far away. Not waiting for me to ritually wash or sacrifice before I can talk to Him. No, he is always there. Christ busted open that door for us to have that kind of access to God. What an amazing gift. Everyone needs to know!

"The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be afraid? When evildoers assail me to eat up my flesh, my adversaries and foes, it is they who will stumble and fall. Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war rise against me, yet I will be confident...I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!" Psalm 27:1-3, 13-14

I love The Message translation of these verses, too: "Light, space, zest--that's God! So with him on my side I'm fearless, afraid of no one and nothing. When vandal hordes ride down ready to eat me alive, those bullies and toughs fall flat on their faces. When besieged I'm calm as a baby. When all hell breaks loose, I'm collected and cool...I'm sure now I'll see God's goodness in the exuberant earth. Stay with God! Take heart. Don't quit. I'll say it again: Stay with God."

"Courage is fear that has said it's prayers." Dorothy Bernard

Weka

While I love the communal, eating with my hands thing during meals with Sudanese, there are still a few foods that I'm still getting the hang of eating. Weka is one of them. They eat a lot of okra here. Weka is okra that has been dried in the sun and pounded into a powder. They add it to certain stews to thicken them up. It tastes really good. But the consistency of whatever they put it in becomes, for lack of a better comparison, snot-like. Stews with weka are usually layered with kisra (a spongy flat pancaky thing), and you scoop it up and eat it with your hands like everything else. It's usually more of a special occasion dish so it's not something that I eat at the center all that frequently. AKA, I haven't had enough practice to master eating it yet. It requires a swift turning hand motion to get it to your mouth without making a mess. I inevitably end up with some weka on my clothes and usually dripping down my wrists. Recently I was eating with a group and it always happens that one or two (or three...) gave me a weka eating tutorial. I still made a mess. Whatever, one day insha'llah (if God wills it), I'll get it all in my mouth like a Sudanese. Though I'm pretty sure that day is still a long way off. Being able to poke fun at myself is an indispensable skill here.

Leading and Following

Monthly all of the staff at the centers get together for a time of prayer. There is a short devotion, some singing, sharing of  center needs, then we pray together in small groups. This week it was my turn in the rotation to lead the devotion. The teacher who was running things called me up and stood, ready to translate for me, and I sort of hesitantly said, "Well...I'm ready in Arabic...I think." She smiled and British director lady gave me a high five. I nervously laughed and said "Well...wait 'til the end; we'll see how it goes!"

And... I did it! I talked about the verses in Jeremiah 17, about rooting ourselves deep in the Lord so we're connected with our source, then our lives won't be shaken by whatever outside circumstances come. It was fairly simple, and not super long, but I was happy when I finished. I sat down and it was like a runner's high, only it was an Arabic high. Ok...maybe it was just a feeling of relief. Felt good all the same.

It's not really difficult to elicit praise from this group (not that I'm complaining!), so their kind words were nice but I didn't really take them as objective critics really. But British director lady is a little more difficult to please, and she was really impressed. It was great encouragement.

Right after we went into a time of prayer. It makes my heart heavy. There is so much going on in this country. The ch is under pressure on every side. There is fighting even within the ch. Some of the properties where the centers are want them to move. There isn't enough money for next years budget. There is continuing fighting in different parts of the country. Yellow fever outbreak. Persecution. Public transport is an increasing difficulty. International schools are under pressure and some are being forced to close. There was a failed attempt at a coup recently. Some foreigner friends and acquaintances are  being very closely watched by gov officials. Some are being questioned, a few imprisoned. Visas are being denied. There are new littlies at the center (Which is great!) but their stories break my heart. This week in class we talked about female circumcision--a horrible, dangerous, mutilating practice that is still very present here. And the consequences of it. Wedding traditions which are, thankfully, starting to die out. Like marrying girls of at 10, 11, 12 years old. Gah! It hurts my heart and it makes me sad and even angry in some cases. How?! Why?? How do I have it so good in my life? Why was I given this cakewalk of a life? I mourn for the stolen childhoods and joy. I'm here and so close to many of these things that have moved and ached my heart for many years. Even being next-door to these things I still feel helpless sometimes. But the Lord is moving. Where there are hard times, where the enemy is persecuting, the Spirit of God is at work. It's a paradox that has been true since the First Century. Grant me courage, Lord. And the presence of mind to speak and act.

These last few days have been really full, as I am anticipating this whole month to be. But good. Really good. I get to love my days here. I'm just smitten with the boys I get to work with. It's so amazing. Sometimes there are periods where it feels like a struggle or a sacrifice. But really, overwhelmingly, I am happy--I am thankful. He is so good.