Two Minutes Too Late.

On Wednesday I was on the bus coming home from the littlies center after a day that I was feeling present, joyful, and so thankful for everything in my life. The bus stopped working after we had only been going a few minutes. It happens. I got my 18 cents (USD equivilent) back from the bus man and stood and waited for another bus.

As I stood there I heard a voice behind me say "Bess!" I turned around and there was Wadasuuq. He's a boy that I know from the drop in center last year. Every so often he comes to the center and stays for two or three days then goes back to the streets. I hadn't seen him for a couple of months. The name Wadasuuq literally means "son of the market." So, I'm fairly certain that isn't his real name. Once he told me his name was John, but he has a penchant for lying so who really knows. He's slightly not quite right in the head, likely as a result of being super addicted to glue, but a really funny kid. Super ornery and all the other boys like him.

So I shook his hand and said "Hey! Wadasuuq! Where have you been?" He said "Around." Said he was well. Then his friend came over and asked me for money and Wadasuuq was like "No, dude, I know her." Then he said bye and they sauntered off just as a bus pulled up. As I settle into my seat I'm like "Beth, stupid!" There was a little restaurant just up the road and they must have been hungry. WHYYYY didn't I have the clarity of mind to think of this and buy them some freaking dinner? Why don't I think more quickly on my feet? I have this two-minute-too-late regret all the time about things I should have said or done. I can spit a sarcastic comment like it's nothing but it seems like it takes my brain longer to come up with nice things.

So I'm kicking myself. Praying for a mind that works faster and a heart open to the nudgings of the Spirit. I can hope and pray that the situation repeats itself and I get another opportunity but things never seem to work out that way. I feel like in life you rarely get to redeem yourself the way you would like to. Give those boys food this night, Lord, and forgive me that I wasn't the one to do it.

Quarter Life Crisis

I turned 26 this week. Thanks to those who sent nice messages and such. It was a good day. For the heck of it I made banana bread/cake for the boys. I didn’t tell them it was because it was my birthday. Birthdays aren’t a thing at all here. The upper class keeps track of birth dates but most people don’t. Most of the population doesn’t know their date of birth and a number of the boys at the centers aren’t even sure what year they were born.

They loved the cake. Sudanese don’t do a whole lot of baking and certainly not with bananas. Shama (the cook lady) had me explain to her twice how to make it. Success! Then in the evening I went to a friends flat and we played bananagrams and ate cake. A lovely evening.

This is the first year I feel like I’m getting old. I’m sure some of my more mature readers just roooooolled your eyes at that sentence. Bear with me. I don’t think I’m old yet. But I’m starting to feel like I’m getting older. Something I’m not so thrilled about. I think it’s because the years in my 20s are winding down and that makes me feel like I should have myself a little more together. I feel like in your early/mid 20s you’re finishing college, going on to grad school or getting job or whatever--it’s still kind of ok if you are puttering around and figuring the direction you want your life to take. But now I feel like I'm arriving in the age of real adulthood and I don't have myself together enough for that. The dreams I have for my life are silly things that don’t count as a career path. I know the kind of person I’d like to be and the kind of stuff I would like to do. But cooking, creating, running, studying nutrition, having chickens, loving well and living generously…these things will not get me a visa. I’m on a student visa now and will need to change my visa when I come back after home assignment next year. I absolutely want to continue working with the boys, so I’m looking for some sort of part-time something. Did a bit of brainstorming with some folks a few weeks ago and they were like “What is your ideal?” I don’t know! I’m floundering in vision. I really want to work with/help poor people. But the ideas that sound really cool and interesting I feel absolutely incapable and/or under qualified for. And the stuff that I’m like, “Yeah, I handle that” are things that I don’t find that interesting at all. But God goes before me and has paved the way for everything up to this point. I’m not worried. Not yet anyway. More than sure all will be most well.

So I’m getting older. Hopefully wiser. Not sure what I have to show for these 26 years, but I suppose life isn’t really about proving yourself is it? Oh the desire to glorify self…a curse of the world we live in!

“My counsel is this: Live freely, animated and motivated by God's Spirit. Then you won't feed the compulsions of selfishness. For there is a root of  sinful self-interest in us that is at odds with a free spirit, just as the free spirit is incompatible with selfishness. These two ways of life are antithetical, so that you cannot live at times one way and at times another way according to how you feel on any given day. Why don't you choose to be led by the Spirit and so escape the erratic compulsions of a law-dominated existence?" Galatians 5:16-18

"I must be a mermaid. I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living." Anais Nin

I love that.

Making Headlines

I’m sure most of you are aware to some degree about the protests and attacks on US embassies throughout the Middle East and North Africa last week. If you are in the dark a but, it’s all over news sites, and headlining at many of them. You shouldn’t have to look too far online to find anything about it if you so desire.

Basically, there is outrage over a movie some dummy made that mocks Islam and Mohammad. For some reason I cannot fathom it was translated into Arabic recently. Basically people are mad at the US for this film. On Friday in Sudan protests started in downtown at the German and British embassies (for reasons most don’t quite understand), successfully setting fire to part of the German embassy. Then the crowd moved out to the US embassy which is, wisely, located just outside of town. Three protesters were killed and the police effectively stopped protesters from breaching the compound.

Though the anti-American sentiment in the air has increased recently I don’t feel unsafe. This morning I was out for a bit and I was ever so slightly concerned that I may be harassed on the bus or something, but it was totally fine. I think it is a good thing that I wear the headscarf when I’m out and about. If I didn’t already I would probably start for at least a little while. I plan on exercising some extra caution in coming days, but since I arrived there is certainly the air that though people may not be so crazy about the US, they don’t have a problem with me personally. This morning there was an email from the embassy saying that all non-emergency government personnel have been departed and the embassy is closed until further notice. Not a problem for me since I have never actually been there and I am not entirely sure where it is.

Now, just a personal word about this video. I’m guessing you may be a little confused as to why people are so furious over a short video on Youtube. I am a little confused too. (This article is helpful in understanding the anger.) I get why people are upset. Of course they have every right to be offended and angry. But, obviously, I don’t think that it warrants protests, and certainly not violence. It seems, perhaps, a convenient excuse to express disdain with the West and the US in particular. I don’t know.

And why are people holding the US government responsible for a movie some ignorant man made? A friend and I were talking about it and she noted the difference in thinking from being from a nation where there is freedom of speech and one where there is not. I read one article that quoted leaders saying that the US needs to punish the filmmakers. From a western perspective that is ludicrous--because we live in countries where you are entitled to your own opinion and entitled to express that opinion; even if it is a stupid one. In this area of the world these freedoms don’t so easily exist. If the government doesn’t support what is being said, it is squelched. So it does make sense that in the eyes of this part of the world, if the government doesn’t squelch it, it must support it. i.e. If the US doesn’t punish these guys, they must actually support them. I could be wrong about this theory, but it makes sense to me.

I have to say that reading some peoples status’s on Facebook and such about the situation in general I’m finding a little infuriating. I understand that my perspective is probably somewhat different than others as a result of my current living situation. However, friends, this is not us vs. “the Muslims” or anything like that. Anyone in this world is as much a child of God as you or I am. So while I don’t support the violence at all, this does not mean that I am in any way superior to another. "Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars...Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that." Martin Luther King Jr. If the anger and hate you see makes you angry and hateful it is just perpetuating the problem. Nothing in the world will get better that way. Sigh. End rant.

A few international schools and another language school are closed today. We’ll see if the anger rises/continues but I doubt anything will happen until next Friday, if at all. Fridays are the days for action it seems. Just please pray for things to calm and anger to settle. I'm not sure what would make this right, as the issues I think are deeper than what they appear. Again, I don't feel as though I am in any danger. But please pray for this area of the world. The enemy has a strong hold that he is not going to relinquish easily.

I would also just like to note that one year ago on Friday (9/14/11) marked one year since our house fire. This year on 9/14 were those protests. An interesting coincidence to be sure. I think on 9/14 next year I will tread carefully...just in case.

 

It seemed like a good idea. Part 3

As we got in the bus to head home I was physically and mentally exhausted. Happy that the day was coming to an end and that things, though had not turned out according to plan at all, had turned out ok.

Earlier, while we were at the park I'd talked to Shama, who talked to Abdulla, about how since we didn't even go a third of the distance we had paid for, I should be getting some of the money back...right?

Pretty much as soon as we got back to the center I said something to Abdulla. (Poor guy. He kind of got stuck being in charge for the day. He is young, responsible, and has a very serious way about him.) He goes to get Mohammed (the part time teacher for Islamic studies for the Muslim boys who came along and took charge along with Abdulla for the day). In these 2 minutes the bus driver leaves straight away.

So Abdulla tries to call him, puts him on the phone with Mohammed. I was in the office listening as they talked/yelled. At this point I'm feeling tired, frustrated, and kinda hurt that this guy peaced out knowing full well he should not keep all that money. I was very glad that Moh was on the phone advocating for me/the right thing. So they yell back and forth about who is right. Moh says that the center would never use him for transport again and said something about Musa and then the conversation is over. I'm thinking the driver and Musa will sort it out later. Great.

No.

Two minutes later driver man and his helper guy come in the office. I'm in there with Moh. They start talking/yelling and I'm feeling really awkward and wondering if I should just scoot out, but also feeling like I need to be there because none of the other teachers are there and Moh doesn't work for the center so much that he is just there sometimes and I don't know him that well and it's sort of my problem that he is dealing with. So I stay put and stare at the floor.

Then the driver directs his attention to me and starts spouting off really quickly about him getting up early and the park and the bus and all this.  I'm like "Um...[gulp]..." and I start explaining that I know that being turned around wasn't his fault and all that but that the money was for a full day and approx 10 hours of gas/travel time and we only used maybe 3.5 hours. As I'm talking Moh leaves the office leaving me just in there with this guy and his helper. When I'm done talking he launches again into nonsense about how he was on time and had to pick up the bus and not addressing anything that I said at all. I'm sitting there feeling young, stupid, and incredibly uncomfortable. Moh comes back in the room and I just say that I am young, I'm new to Sudan, and he and Musa need to talk and figure it out and I shouldn't be the one having this conversation and wasn't going to anymore. As I'm talking, much to my own dismay, my voice cracks and my eyes get watery because I SHOULD NOT BE THE ONE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION WITH THE DRIVER! HELLO! Any one of the other teachers should be in the room instead of me. Where were they?!

So I walk out and go to the bathroom and cry for a minute. I hate that I did it, but frustrated tears are the hardest to fight and always come at the worst moments. I was frustrated for the situation and him being ridiculous and for basically being left by myself do deal with it. There was no way that was appropriate at all. This was the sort of thing I was nervous about when Musa said he wasn't going. These sorts of situations need a director and person in charge.

So I come out and Shama is like, "Don't cry, it's fine" and puts her arm around me like all of this is really silly. I smile over clenched teeth and I'm like "No-it's-fine-I'm-fine-just-tired-I'm-fine-it's-fine" but thinking "Stop. Touching. Me." I don't think a well meaning arm around the shoulder does anything to help a person who is aggravated. Personal opinion. Anyway.

Driver man comes over and tells me how he has a daughter my age and other stuff that I could not care less to hear about. I feel the need to say "No, I'm not upset [a lie], I'm just tired, sometimes girls cry, you know?" Pretend like he isn't the one causing all this consternation. Ugh. So finally, praise the Lord, someone gets Musa on the phone. Musa and he yell at each other for a little while and it is finally agreed that he return about a third of the money. (He still made out with a ludacris sum.) He gives me about half the agreed upon amount, as that is all he has with him, but needs to leave and come back to get the rest.

I'm sitting in the office for a few minutes waiting and Abdulla is there. I thank him. He says, "No, I'm upset too." Which made me feel a little better, just even that he too acknowledged how ridiculous the driver was being.

The drivers helper returns a few minutes later with the rest and I say bye and practically run out the door to go home. It's a good thing that no creepy guys messed with me on the bus, as happens occasionally, because based on the way I was feeling he probably would have ended up with a serious elbow to the ribs or finger in the eye or something.

Sunday night I called the director lady to talk about what happened. I was hesitant to do so because it feels a little bit like whining or tattling, but she needed to know the basics and why I will never be doing anything like this again. She said that Musa and Shama were already in trouble. Musa for not going on the trip and not getting the paper that he well knew they would need. She asked me if I knew what happened about the cupboard. Apparently Musa broke into Shamas cupboard and it was full of food, not for the boys, presumably bought with my money. Sigh. Director lady was also upset to learn that not only did the director not go, neither did the second in command, and just two part time teachers and none of the four full time teachers. She was as dismayed by this news as I had been.

At the end I told director lady I wasn't upset. What can you do? Just that it had been an entirely frustrating experience from start to finish and I would not be doing anything like this again. She said if she was me she'd be furious, but perhaps I am a bit more pragmatic than she. This made me feel nice for whatever reason. So I'm glad I gave her a brief run-down. I'm sad for anyone to be "in trouble" from the experience, because since the whole thing was my idea I feel slightly at fault for that. But, lessons learned. No more planning trips for me and proceeding very cautiously if I ever have anymore seemingly bright ideas.

It seemed like a good idea. Part 2

Trip day. Hopefully to the pyramids. I get to the center at 6:30 am. Feeling happy, excited, and full of realistic expectation. What does that mean? I was fully anticipating things to go wrong. But whatever happened I was going to smile and roll with it. I was set on enjoying the day. So all 30 of were on the bus and moving along at 7:20 am. Only left 20 minutes late. A good start. 4.5ish hours to go.

At the first traffic stop, about an hour and a half from the center the driver got fined for not having the right paper allowing the bus to leave the city. And by "he got fined," I mean, he told me to give him the money for it. What can you do? So I did. 20 minutes up the road we got stopped again. Asked who we were and where we were going. The police wanted some sort of paper making it official that we were a group from the church and going on an outing. No one had any such paper or church identification. Musa wasn't answering his phone. So we sat for 45 minutes while the police decided if we would be allowed through.

During this time a man that was clearly crazy came and sat on the bus for awhile. He was very reluctant to get off. The boys thought it was hilarious. We were still all smiling. Then, Mama Shama told me she needed to pee. I said great, me too. Of course, we were in the desert and in the desert exist only pitiful thorny shrubs. So we walked at least 1/4 mile away from the road. There were two young guys shepherding a bunch of goats and were pretty keen to stare at us until Shama was like "Hey! We need to pee! Look away." Moments that it's great to be with a local, a woman, and her in particular.

Mama Shama and I

When we got back to the bus we were told it was a no go; we'd have to turn back. The other teachers asked me what to do now and I said for them to figure it out and I was happy with anything. As we were on our way back the driver seemed annoyed. (It is so hard to tell with Sudanese,though. If they are actually mad or just being...loud.) But when he suggested a place for us to go I said "Fine, anything. Up to you guys. I'm happy with anything." He laughed and shook my hand and told Shama I was very nice. Then he bought us all guavas.

Enjoying a guava on the bus.

I have to say, for some reason I felt almost relieved when we were sent back. I guess it just felt like whatever we would end up doing would have to be easier than the other uncertainties that were going to lie ahead down the road. Though, I really did not/do not understand how the country can prevent their own people from travelling to see their own country. One of the teachers told me that the officer at the checkpoint asked why they would want to see the ruins. It is not a thing people do here. I did tell Musa in the beginning, though, that I would handle my own travel permission and I didn't know what they needed, so they would take care of that. It is just slightly absurd to me that a bus of nationals can't travel freely even in areas where there are no problems.

Anyway, everyone decided to go to some park in the city. It was actually pretty nice. There were rides and stuff but it was Friday, basically Sunday in Sudan, so all of that stuff was closed. Of course. But we found a shady spot and Shama and I set up for lunch. I liked helping her because otherwise I just sat around feeling little useless. It was a nice lunch, chicken, carrots and cucumbers with lime, bread and bananas. We were there for a couple of hours and I think the boys had a good time. It's unfortunate that none of the fun stuff was open but they seemed happy just to be out for the day. One of the oldest boys was whining a little, he just does sometimes, and I said "We have food.We have each other. What's not to be happy about." He laughed.

The boys enjoying the park.

We hung out for a few hours. Did a little walking around but mostly sitting around. It's definitely a cultural difference. Sudanese do a lot of sitting around together and are happy with just that when I'm in my head like, "What could we be doing? Let's do something." At one point I guy I don't know came over and was chatting me up in English. It was a couple of minutes before I could break away but in that time he told me that he heard the best places in the US are California and Canada. Nice.

Late afternoon the driver came to fetch us. By the time we we left I was tired. Ready to get home and give my brain a rest from speaking/understanding just in Arabic all day. But, unfortunately, just getting back to the center and heading my jolly way home would not be that easy.

It seemed like a good idea. Part 1

It seemed like a good idea...Famous last words, huh?

I'm going to do this post in three parts. Because...it warrants that many.

So my Grandma gave me some money to do something nice for the boys around Christmas. I also had some money from the last of the wire stuff that sold and my housemate had some money from extra tutoring that she wanted to use as something nice for the boys. So, since at Christmas they all get a new outfit and new shoes and a toy/thing of their choice I thought it would be cool for them to go on a little field trip.

I was still in the brainstorming phase. But I as I was sending the director lady an email about other stuff, in there I included "Hey, so I was thinking it might be cool sometime if the older boys could take a day trip to the pyramids to see outside of Ktown a little bit and learn some about their history. What do you think?"

This is where things began to swiftly spiral out of my hands.

Two hours later I'm at the center running a program and the director of the older boys center, Musa, asks to speak with me in the office. I got a little worried because this is the first time he has ever asked to speak with me privately. Turns out that instead of just emailing me back with her opinion, director lady went ahead and called Musa and talked to him about it. Yikes.

He was totally jazzed by the idea. Thought it was great and wanted to plan it for the upcoming weekend. I was like "Um...maybe not so soon? There's no hurry..." He's like well I already told the boys so we need to do it soon. Oh my.

So it ends up being planned two weekends from then. I asked him for estimations on costs. The bus, the food, etc. So I could get an idea. These are all things I had been hoping to discuss way beforehand, before anyone knew or anything was planned. I had wanted to dialogue about these sorts of things before any wheels had been set in motion. 

Too late for that.

I asked him every day that I went to the center again for these estimations. I knew I needed to give them the food money in advance so they could prep and everything.

Fast forward to last Thursday, the day before we are supposed to go. I get there and thankfully Musa is there. He's like, "Hey, we need the money for food." and I'm like "Really? Cuz I've been trying to give it to you for a week and a half!" So we sit down on the office with Mama Shama, the cook (lovely lady, calls me her daughter, super sweet), and like four of the other teachers. Shama and another teacher had wrote out a list of the food costs and it was ridiculous. Bonkers over the top.

It was a heart sinking moment. When you realize things are completely slipping from your hands.

Sat in the office for the next half hour or so while Musa went over the list line by line crossing things off and making it more realistic. I sat there thinking "Thank God!" as he said things like "Bottled water? No. We can take jerry cans. Apples (which are pretty expensive) and bananas? No, just bananas." As he is doing this some of the teachers are seeming annoyed that he is penny-pinching their crazy wish list and the others seem annoyed for even being there. At this point I'm starting to feel like, forget it! We don't even need to go! At one point they ask me what the most we can spend is. I can't really answer that because I still don't know how much the transport will cost and I don't have a good handle on the realistic cost for 30 people for 3 meals.

Musa ends up halving the food budget, thank goodness. They still were getting chicken and some meat, and eggs, so it was still special. That's fine.

Then Musa mentions that he isn't going. And so and so and so and so aren't going either. It will be me, two younger teachers that I don't know that well, and the Islamic studies teacher who I also don't know that well. I start to get more nervous. That is a lot of travel time and logistical decisions that will need to be made without the director. Plus I'm kind of annoyed because when I talked to Musa in the first place he said "This will be very good, even I have not seen the pyramids." and seemed like he wanted to go. None of the teachers had seen them and what I thought would be a cool opportunity is actually something, kind of, no one really cares to do or see. Ah!

Then the guy who will be driving the bus for us comes in and they agree on a price that seems high, but what to I know?

As I head out after all that I stop in the kitchen to talk to Shama to make sure she is coming with us the next day. She said, "Yes, of course! I told Musa that he can't leave you by yourself with all those men and boys. Don't worry your Mom is coming to look after you." I felt quite relieved. At least there would be someone there so I didn't feel on my own in the group!

I left feeling hopeful that it would be a good trip, but also recognizing the potential for disaster.

Lately

Sort of slowly started up my programs again with the boys after the break. For three days I went to the older boys center and the classroom where my cupboard is was locked. The first day I was told one of the boys had the key and was out. So I sat and chatted with them. The next day the boy didn't have the key and I was told the director had the key but he wasn't there. The day after that the director was there and didn't have the key, but thought that I had the key. Nope. No one knows where the key is. So they hammered off the lock and I was able to do a program with the boys. This is not terribly uncommon or the first time something like this has happened. I'm not a patient person by nature. God knows this all too well which may be part of the reason He has me in Africa. Oh, sanctification!

Right now with the boys we're making cups (and maybe tables next?) from scrap paper and a runny glue made from flour. (Can also be made from old bread or leftovers from porridge.) It's essentially glorified paper mache. But if you do it right, it actually makes and incredibly strong vessel. The boys were dubious when I was explaining it. So I turned the cup I made over and stood on it to show them that it really was strong. Then they said that I am light so it didn't count. So the largest of the teachers stood on it and they were convinced. :) They didn't believe me at first that it was just made of paper, but they're getting into the idea.

They keep asking me when we will start up the work with the wire again. They are eager to get some pocket money, plus it is something they enjoy doing. There are no bazaars or people buying stuff like that really until Christmas. So we'll start it up again in another month or so. I'm very happy that they want to do it again!

Yesterday and today I have taken sick days. Came home after a very long day Sunday night with some pain on my left side under my ribcage when I breathed. I wasn't able to get much sleep because it It increased and spread quite a bit into Monday along with a fever. I called a Dr lady I know who said that it is probably some infection/inflammation in the lining of my lung or something. I feel better today. The fever has gone and the pain has concentrated to just one area. Hopefully tomorrow I can get back to the swing of things. Just as long as I am better by Friday. Something super fun is happening on Friday...