Monologue

During my solo treks during the day my mind is usually doing one of two things. Singing a few lines of a song that is stuck there, or in an ongoing narrative to which there is no audience. I write like I think. Maybe I think like I write…In any case, in my little mind there is an imaginary audience that I am writing/talking to. I don’t do this purposefully, I just find myself doing it. The events of my day, my feelings, hopes, ponderings are all circling in a storyline of sorts. Some of those things make it in my journal, some on this here blog, some in my actual dialogue with others.

Today, in my ponderings, my future came up. Frankly with my topsy turvey life these last few months, I really can’t in detail even think past a few weeks at a time. God willing I am here for the next 2-3 years or so. Then I will spend a good few months spending time at home with all the people I love. Then…another term? (Which, is kind of the plan). Maybe more education? A mental breakdown? (jk!) Who really knows?

I got denied for my first try at a visa. Plan B is in affect so hopefully that will come through in the next week or so.

It is an interesting time in my life, and now more than ever I really, really believe that my plans are kind of futile right now and that God will work perfectly without me trying to make sense of everything in my head. Not to say that I don’t have all sorts of hopes and dreams. Including, but not limited to, my own small farm, marriage, authoring a book, see God transform the lives of hurt and broken kiddos, getting my sisters to come see Africa, being fluent in an African language, blackberry bushes in my backyard, an understanding of holistic health, people I love to cook for every day, doing some radical things for God that have yet to be thought of. Mostly I want to be faithful. To live transformed by what Christ did. I am here for the using, and I want it to matter. You can’t have everything you want all at once. That’s a good thing. Right now what I want is to be in Africa (check…), work with children at risk, and have an ample supply of fruits and veggies around. I am happy to be here and I am excited to see the next steps unfold.

Faith is a result of trust I am learning. I trust I will be of some use to someone here. I trust that God uses those who make themselves available. My faith is growing. I hope it never stops.

“I wonder at some points if I am being irresponsible or unwise. But then I realize there is never going to come a day when I stand before God and he looks at me and says, “I wish you would have kept more for yourself.”” David Platt